Lewis Black Aruba Commercials Transcripts

1. Lewis Black-Wedding in Aruba


Lewis Black: Aruba has got to be the worst place in the world to get married.
Woman: Why would you say such a thing? The food is wonderful, the weather is perfect and look at the sunset.

Lewis Black: Exactly! It does not prepare you for the harsh reality of marriage, trust me. Get married in Hackinsack, honeymoon in Trenton; it can only get better from there.

W: You’re a funny man... Are you married?

Lewis Black: Keep your hands to yourself lady!

2. Lewis Black- Windsurfing in Aruba


Lewis Black: Charlie, do you really consider Windsurfing a sport?

Charlie: All depends on how you look at it.

Lewis Black: I look at it as a perpetual bad hair day

C: Thats funny!

Lewis Black: There is nothing funny about two grown men dressed in rubber, Charlie.

3. Lewis Black Aruba Weather


Lewis Black: Every single day in Aruba is a nice day. How do you people get anything done? Youre in a meeting an you say: "The fourth quarter reported ‘Well, What a nice day’, everyone agrees; the meeting is over." I mean how do you do anything.

Woman: Well it is a nice day.

Lewis Black: Yeah it is a nice day... There! See! I have no idea what we were talking about. Oh Look! A crab!

4. Lewis Black playing Golf with Aruba’s Weatherman


Lewis Black: THe weather here in Aruba is perfect every single day. It must be infuriating to you as a weatherman.

WM: Of course not! Why would you say something like that?

Lewis Black: The weather is always the same! You dont get to practice your crap, your calling.

WM: Look at this, this is paradise.
Lewis Black: Not for a Weatherman!

WM: You know what, Lewis. I think its going to be a little windy later, why dont we go out for a sail?

Lewis Black: I’m a golfer, I dont do boats. ...Ok lets go sail.

5. Lewis Black- Aruba Time Share



Lewis Black: Richard the weather here is amazing, the food is amazing and the people are beyond friendly. And yet, you come back to Aruba Year after Year.

Men: Twelve wonderful years.

Woman: And we love it here, especially the people.

Lewis Black: But when you get depressed, there is nothing to blame it on.

Couple (together): Don’t get depressed!

Lewis Black: And I was just starting to like it...... That was close.

6. Lewis Black- Aruba’s Song and Music




Lewis Black: Is every song in Aruba about the weather and friendship? What happens to other themes like broken bones, losing your home or growing old alone?



Lewis Black: Maricella, as my new Aruban friend, will you do all you can to make me feel at home and comfortable?

Maricella: Of course and how am I doing?

Lewis Black: Not so unberable

Maricella: Well after that I recommend that you sit on the beach and watch the sun go down.

Lewis Black: You’d make a good friend, Maricella. However, all my friends are "selfish little pigs".


Lewis Black: You would probably not fit in.

8. Lewis Black- Making Friends in Aruba


Lewis Black: When I was a kid I had like a million friends... well one really. Here in Aruba, you say there is ninety thousand friends you have yet to meet. Maybe this is my second chance in friendship.

Man 1: Of course, perhaps your third chance.

Lewis Black: THats good. Now I have two friends; You and my mother.

9. Lewis Black in Aruba Restaurants


Lewis Black: Here in Aruba, you claim that, "There are ninety thousand friends, I havent met yet."

Cook: Yes, Sir.

Lewis Black: So you do everything to make your guests feel at home.

Cook: Everything within my power, Sir.

Lewis Black: Well I’ve got news for you. I dont feel at home at all. I mean, look at this , this food, looks and tastes amazing. In my home, this would be inedible , this would be indigestible , and this unidentifiable mystery meat .

Cook: I could make that if you like, no problem my friend.

Lewis Black: That wont be necessary...

10. Lewis Black- Video in Aruba


Lewis Black: Hey Ricky, I dont know if you know this but there are creatures from out of space right here in Aruba, and they look just like real people.

Ricky: Oh really, I didnt notice.

Lewis Black: Oh they are alwas smiling, relaxed, unnaturally friendly and they’ll do anything to lull you into feeling at home. Its inhuman, its a trick Ricky, don’t fall for it. I’ve seen it in the movies.

Ricky: Let me get you a drink.

Lewis Black: Oh my god, they got him too.

11. Lewis Black- Political Video Humor


Lewis Black: I imagine that the politics here in Aruba are as they are anywhere else in the world. Bitter angry slugfest. In other words, fantastic.

Man: Oh no Lewis, its very civil.

Lewis Black: Wait! So its like this; ‘Thats a great stimulus plan you have.’ ‘Thank you, I like your ideas and education.’ ‘Well I love your tie!’. Is that it?

Man: Not at all. We dont wear ties.

Lewis Black: No? But how do you hang yourselves?

12. Lewis Black- Aruba friendly people


Lewis Black: Mine...Yours... oh...How many friends does a person need, Sheryn? Because I’m thinking that 90000, is ninety thousand too many.

Sheryn: I can’t imagine having too many friends Lewis.

Lewis Black: Oh I can! I open the door to my appartment and ninety thousand friends jump out from behind a futon, screaming: ‘Surprise!!! Happy Birthday!’.

Sheryn: I would be in seventh heaven.

Lewis Black: I’d be in emergency cardiac surgery. You know, a real friend would be giving me mouth to mouth resuscitation, right now.

13. Lewis Black- Ticket to Aruba


Lewis Black: I dont get it officer; I havent met one unfriendly person in Aruba. Do you wish you could take me for unfriendly behavior?

Officer: No.

Lewis Black: What would you do? Take them to an Asylum for the unfriendly?

Officer: No.

Lewis Black: A half way house?

Officer: Of course not.

Lewis Black: I dont get it!

Officer: You know what the thing is the people who live here are friendly because they are friendly.

Lewis Black: So in other words, you deport the rest to France? I got it haha...Im not stupid.

14. Lewis Black- Aruba Donkey Video


Lewis Black: Let me guess! Like everyone here, in Aruba, she's friendly too. Isn't that right, Ramon?
Ramon: Oh yes, very friendly!
Lewis Black: Well I thought that friendliness was contained here in Aruba just to mankind. However I'm sad to report that the friendliness plague has spread to other species too. This is Lewis Black, reporting from Aruba, with a man and his donkey.